Ween's "Shinola (Vol. 1)" is...

... the greatest outtakes/b-sides/whatevurrrrs collection that I have ever feasted my ears upon.

As I speak to you children, Ween resides in the studio, preparing a new album and tour for the latter half of 2007, hopefully a delicious treat for those obsessives waiting since 2003's "Quebec", a fine album which perhaps isn't quite as brown as Ween promised. My only question? When's the second volume of "Shinola" cumming out? Yes, it's true. In 2005, Ween delivered an oft-unappreciated, damn near perfect album without recording any new music.

So...if one were a song, precisely what would one have to do in order to be rejected from a Ween record? Think about it: The words "AIDS" and "HIV" repeated over and over, set to an utterly gleeful jingle made the cut. A nine-minute funk romp about cunnilingus wasn't too tasteless. Even that three minute start-stop computer noise entitled "The Fucked Jam" was invited to the party. And yet these twelve unique tunes, covering just about every side of Ween's mastery, are condemned to an eternity of underappreciation on a *hesitate* odds `n sods release.

Gaboo!

While "Tastes Good on th` Bun" is a solid mood-setter, it's buy no means indicative of the fun to come. The disgustingly processed drums and anti-melodic vocals would fit in on "The Pod" better than an ostrich at an abortion clinic, yet the devilishly catchy "Boys Club" steals the show, about as homoerotic Ween will get without blatantly urging the listener to "go find yourself a nice peace of ass." Or, on second thought...

"I Fell In Love Today"? Sleazy as balls!

"Big Fat Fuck"? Mischievous as tongue!

"The Rift"? Long as hair!

"Gabrielle"? Catchy* as Thin Lizzy! (*=ten times better than Thin Lizzy).

Of course, while many reviewers find themselves using the word "parody", the appropriate word here seems to be "homage"; as if Ween's sincerely digging through a bag of musical influences soaking in oatmeal that they wish to share with you, dear bi-nippled reader. "Did You See Me?" is the song I'm referring and mid `70's Pink Floyd seems to be the band in question. The song is utterly perfect at what it is - the way the layered minor chords fade in, the bubbly keyboard line, the undeniably affecting, murky vocal melody, and that big ol' build-up of love at the end. I WANT TO INVITE GENE AND DEAN TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

On a scale of 1-10, how does Ween do it? And so consistently. The aforementioned "Did You See Me?" is nicely complimented by the stoner vibes of "How High Can You Fly?" and "Transitions", two other fine songs in their own right. But I'd like to devote a full paragraph to "Israel", since it's one of the most goddamn infectious Ween "songs" I've heard in eons. Reasons why this song is great?

1. That main melody constantly building up elements (flute, voice, etc.) is catchy enough to solve the Arab-Israeli Conflict.
2. Some dude is reading a Jewish prayer. He makes me chortle. Say hi to Jewish prayer-reading guy, kids! Hi, Jewish prayer-reading guy! Let me buy you a drink!
3. 50-55 seconds: siren.
4. The subtle background words at the end of each verse.

And holy shit, the last two songs are as great as anything we've heard. "Monique the Freak" is one of those satanic Prince homages (*there's that word again*) that Ween simply can't get enough of. Just lay some sly grooves and sliver with them groovy horndog funk juice. Six minutes of vocoder fun, sprinkled with guitar motifs and light pan dripping. That riff at 1:17 makes me see Jesus.

"Someday", however, is a dropkick elbow punch to the elbow-testicle of anyone who claims that Ween is incapable of beauty and sensitivity - it just so happens to be their own perveted brand of beauty and sensitivity. Those ridiculous background vocals? More perverted than the old man dressed up in a flight attendant uniform at Hooters. The spoken word repetition? Jesus Christ, don't even get me started. That Walt Disney coda? You guessed it.

"Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Is Pizza Day...Pizzy Day..."

Of course, the studio albums are essessseessseential, but don't pass up this hard-to-find rarities collection. Or I'll collect your rarities! Oh! That's why she said! No, but seriously.

Verdict: A worthy offering to Boognish. i/10 (square root of -1, imaginary number).

And since you've been such a good class, here's what happens when you translate the lyrics to "Transitions" into German, back into English, into French and back into English again:

"Aesthetic universal saturation in the handful of the morning sun became.
The créosote that the entire odors corrode these lies of schlummernd, if the day is done.
You jump take the dingle on the ferry you behind to the dimension, that began only.
Go paints it contact to an union, is Harry Truman the holy son." (Copyright 2007 Jerry Falwell)

Feeling like a big fat fuck:


Some asshole's video for "I Fell In Love Today":