I am here to help and I present a list of bands, or in fact “artists”, to out and out stay clear of now and forever. I will happily give brief descriptions as to why in order to prove myself slightly more useful of your respective loves and devotions.

The Flaming Lips: A group of atheists never struck me as more cult-minded in all my days. Their recent appearance on the Tonight Show only further clarifies that they have always been talentless hacks.

The Moldy Peaches/Adam Green/Kimya Dawson: I don’t think anything really needs to be said. It is just an example of the Hipster obsession of rallying around the talentless and claiming them to be somehow “artistic” and in fact “smart”.

Beck: Anything after “One Foot in the Grave” is just an example of careering. Beck is a musician, it’s his job. How interesting!

Sufjan Stevens: With a first name from hell and a penchant for having himself repeatedly photographed as some sort of sexless ghost certainly doesn’t help his cause. He has the vocal abilities of a precious little Faberge Egg (and that is not meant as a compliment!).

Neil Young: Officially entered creepy old man territory with the release of the laughable “Greendale” in 2003 (the concept record never had it so bad!).

Bob Dylan: This curious fellow has arguably always been a hack, and an incredibly impressive one at that! Perhaps the high priest of frustrating artists with the bulk of his post-“Love & Left” material being wholly forgettable (and let’s not forget about the bulk of a decade known as THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES!).

Neutral Milk Hotel: Dreadful vocals from the deepest pit of the self-righteous and self-absorbed art school brat mentality and lyrics that truly don’t mean jizz…

Sonic Youth: AKA The Cult of Nothing. There is nothing present here but some vague man-hate from the skeletal bassist and loads of epic pretense from that monotone scarecrow they call Thurston.

Pavement: Do include The Jicks as well, my dear. Stephen Malkmus is your classic scary American, the Ted Bundy of Indie Rock (believe me, that is not a compliment!). When prep school kids pretend to be all nonchalant it makes me want to reach for my rifle (metaphorically speaking, of course! I do not believe in the use of firearms…).

The Arcade Fire: Just one of the reasons why I am happy this decade is coming to a close, and may the ultimate Hipster band disappear with the ultimate Hipster decade that I like to refer to as THE EARLY TWO-THOUSANDS! BOO! Scary; I know. Besides, there is just something wrong with Canada…it should be looked into. GODDAMN THIS PITCHFORK MEDIA GENERATION! YOU MONSTERS! HOW MANY MINDS HAVE YOU RAPED? HOW MANY! ANSWER ME!

The White Stripes: I am going to end with this lovely pair, as I knew the decade was off to a bad start when Jack and Meg were considered musically substantial. Self-conscious artsy brat-oriented behavior is totally unforgivable, and lord knows that Mr. White has been careering since day zero.

Do stay tuned next time as I present: BANDS TO ENJOY, until then, my friends, get bent.

Spike Jonze, The Arcade Fire, Beck, Hipsters, The Flaming Lips

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