Ten Reasons Why "The Beatles" Is The Supreme, Best and Mightiest Beatles Album!

In fourth grade, we learned the difference between fact and opinion. In fact, the example was:

Fact: That grass is green.
Opinion: That grass is too long.
Stoner: This grass is just right.

It is a fact that "The Beatles" (or "The White Album", as you kids lovingly call it) is better than all other Beatles records, and I shall prove it via this two-column, mathematical proof:

"The Beatles" - Every other Beatles album > 0

They did it all for the nookie!

10. It's so colorful! Truth be told, I find it astoundingly ironic that a record with a cover as blank (Frank!) as this:



...can contain music that can accurately be described as just plain...colorful. I mean, it's bursting at the seam with melodies, unpredictable harmonies, and more variety than was deemed acceptable back in the year of our lord, 1968. But more on that later...

9. It makes no sense! It makes perfect sense! I also find it incredible that the infamous sound collage of "Revolution 9" could be followed up with the sweet lullabye closer, "Good Night". But I suppose it ain't the variety per se that impresses me, but rather the way they make it just..work, like the hand of God floating on top of the Seine. It's like they invented punk rock ("Helter Skelter") and out-whimsicalled Of Montreal ("Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da") on the same slab of vinyl (and by "same slab of vinyl", I clearly mean "completely different slab of vinyl"), and make it seem like it's completely logical. In 1968, mind you. The year of our lord!

8. The band pictures in the liner notes. They all had mustaches except for John. Oh, rebels are soo dreamy!

7. "Happiness! Bang bang! Shoot shoot!" Yes, I'm devoting an entire number to a couple of seconds worth of background vocals. What da fuck you gon' do 'bout it, punk?

6. This is the closest the Beatles ever came to sounding like Ween. Because this album is a wacky collection of seemingly-unrelated, and often strange pop songs are united by....genius! It's like Ween's entire career condensed into one slab of vinyl (and by "one slab of vinyl", I clearly mean "two slabs of vinyl".)

5. The Beatles Have A Sense Of Humor. Now, when you're crying your cutesy little emo tears to such quasi-freak-nostalgic anthems as "In My Life", it's easy to forget that The Fab Four isn't afraid to just kick back and be regular old goon-dogs for a change. Continuing with reason #6, there are some downright band/genre parodies on here! "Back in the U.S.S.R" goofs on the classic Beach Boys stylee, "Honey Pie" gives us some delicious chamber-pop (sort of), "Rocky Raccoon" is like Bob Dylan-on-laughing gas, "Piggies" harkens back to the political allegories of old, "Yer Blues" = suicidal blues, and "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?" is a regular old, kinky sex-romp. Eww. I mean, ha! Sense of humor! Werd! Just call him "Weird Al" Lennon!

4. One hour, thirty two minutes, three seconds. It's been rumored that George Martin (the fifth Beatle! Oh wait, there were only four of them. I forgot.) begged the band to trim it down to a single album, but each band member had a song or two that just had to go on the album! Thank God Martin lost that argument. More Beatles = Better Beatles.

3. Songwriting. At the end of the day, it's the songwriting that counts. Not the sense of humor, not the length, not the variety, and not any of the other asinine reasons I came up with but don't feel like reading again. And, The Beatles Happening are thirty for thirty when it comes to constructing perfect pop songs. Shi-ka-ka! *bows*

2. "Wild Honey Pie" Hoooneeeyy piiieee!!!!!!! Hhhhhhooooneeeeyyy pppiiieeee!!!!!!!!!! (off-key acoustic guitar noodling) Lather, rinse, repeat. I love you, honey pie! This song is beyond description, but I dig it somethin' fierce. So do The Pixies - they covered it on that B.B.C. live album biz.

1. White power! Just kidding. No seriously, I didn't mean it. *does stand-up comedy at The Laugh Factory*

Yes, I'd like extra Ted Bundy with my Beatles!

Top 10 Bands/Artists Of The 60s

To follow up my list of my favorite 10 Bands/Artists of the 90s I'm moving back in time to the 60s. Again this list will not be in any specific order and only represents my favorites not an argument that these are the 10 most important or the 10 most influential.

The Beatles - My favorite band of all time by quite some margin. I'm one of those Beatles freaks. I don't really feel I need to explain their inclusion on this list. It'd be a ridiculous list without them.

The Who - I think The Who are sometimes overlooked or under appreciated although many of their songs are staples of the classic rock radio stations. Possibly these songs are overplayed and it becomes harder to appreciate them? The Who had some great albums and songs but I think it's live where they really set themselves apart.

The Rolling Stones - I think the fact that they've been constantly in the media for 40+ years has actually hurt the appreciation of their really great music in the 60s (and 70s.) Not to say I'm one of those people who thinks they should have retired 30 years ago. I think it's fantastic that they are doing what they love at age 60+. I think we all should be. But I do think that the younger generations have a harder time getting into them than say the aforementioned Beatles because of the fact that they see The Stones still around looking like their grandfather. Sure you see the same thing with Paul McCartney but somehow that doesn't effect the Beatles legacy because of him being solo and not using the name. Anyway The Stones had many classic songs in the 60s that one cannot imagine rock n roll without.

The Pink Floyd - I love Syd Barrett's Floyd and Pipers at the Gates of Dawn is one of my favorite albums. A totally different Pink Floyd from the one that became huge in the 70s (and I'm a big fan of that Pink Floyd too.)

The Beach Boys - A ton of excellent pop songs and the masterpiece Pet Sounds. Good enough to get on this list. Hell just Pet Sounds alone would probably get them on the list!

Bob Dylan - Essential. You can't have a list of the best of the 60s without Bob Dylan obviously. I was just making you sweat a bit by having him lower in the list. See it's in no specific order. The order of a mad man, perhaps. Anyway Dylan was on fire in the 60s as I'm sure you know. He was releasing album after album of great material. If I had to choose just one it'd probably be Highway 61 Revisited or Blonde On Blonde.

Van Morrison - Unlike most music critic types I prefer Moondance to Astral Weeks. Perhaps thats partly nostalgia as Moondance was constantly being played by my parents when I was growing up but I think Moondance is a pretty perfect album. So many amazing songs. Astral Weeks is very cool but in comparison I have to be in the mood to listen to it. Although I just checked to make sure and Moondance was actually released in 1970. Well you know what, to hell with you. He's going on this list anyway. Astral Weeks came out in '68.

Jimi Hendrix - I think it's a bit hard to truly appreciate Hendrix because he's become so deified. That being said I've got a lot of joy out of listening to his music. I must admit I haven't been able to listen to him for quite some time having been thoroughly burnt out on most of his well known stuff. I do think I may be able to open my ears up to him again soon though.

Frank Zappa - The 60s are definitely my favorite Zappa period. While I enjoy some of his later stuff in smaller doses, it's the really freaky stuff with the Mothers that I really get into.

The Band - Music From The Big Pink and the self titled The Band are both really great albums.

I know I've left off some really great bands and artists but I can't find it in my heart to bump any of these to make way for The Velvet Underground. But I'm considering it. Where are The Kinks? As good as The Kinks are I've never been as into them as any of these bands/artists. Led Zeppelin? I and II were released in 1969 but I think of them as a 70s band. They're also a band I have a hard time listening to lately due to over exposure.

Well hopefully this list will start off some good debate with plenty of people calling me an ignorant knob head. Who's going to start it off?